I’m a talker. I often say too much and do too little. I’m compulsive, chaotic and undiscovered. I’m mainly undiscovered by myself. That’s certainly not the worst thing that I can say about me but it does make me sad to admit my truth. My self-ignorance resides at the forefront of my thoughts on a daily basis. It’s a sad reflection of where I am now. I never thought much about knowing myself so little. I always thought I was very simple. It believed it was my gift. I figured I was just one of those people who felt grateful every day for what the world gave me. I was an Oprah poster child. After all, I was the woman with the dog, nice house, great job, loving husband, and the two most beautiful children in the world. I forgot how hard I worked to bring the kids into this world. I forgot about the fight to make sure I had this experience. I forgot how much I changed and how much I lost myself in my marriage. But, that’s how my mind works, I quickly seem to forget (maybe ignore) disrespect, disregard, and cruelty. I forget history and I hope and I wish. I now understand the downfalls of wishing for the sake of wishing. I am also immensely aware of the importance of putting in the hard work to get to where you want to go. I ignored the need for direction and passion outside of the marriage.
I firmly held the simply thought that love begets love. So, I set out to love unabashedly and endlessly. I always said that it was my superpower. I was Super Love Girl or maybe I would have called myself Power Love Girl. It was my branding. I wore it everywhere I went. I advertised it and invested a tremendous amount of energy doing PR to promote my LOVE image. It sounds perfectly reasonable in theory. Actually it’s sounds perfectly geeky and incredibly funny. As I write these words I think, “so, what’s the problem?” I always thought I loved that about myself. I had full faith in love alone. It wasn’t real, I see that now. It was naive and immature. It was the branding of a teenager. It was the sales pitch of a kid. Deep down inside, I knew when I was selling my soul down the river. I felt bad when my integrity was on the floor but I swore it was acceptable because after all I had Love to dish out and spread to the poor little uncared for world. My God that takes some real arrogance! But there I was.
My incredibly real and loving family (BFF included) all gave me subtle and radical warnings of my ways but I refused to listen. “Hey shut up truth sayers, I’m in LOVE here.” Yup that was me. That was the type of sales pitch I could swing back in my impulsive replies. I could battle my love talk with the best of them. I was fervent in my pursuit of love utopia.
Now, I put in the hard work. It means caring for me. Great! Now where do I start????