Essentially Flawed

What is Love? Love The Old New Super Power

10 05 2013

I’m a talker. I often say too much and do too little. I’m compulsive, chaotic and undiscovered. I’m mainly undiscovered by myself. That’s certainly not the worst thing that I can say about me but it does make me sad to admit my truth. My self-ignorance resides at the forefront of my thoughts on a daily basis. It’s a sad reflection of where I am now. I never thought much about knowing myself so little. I always thought I was very simple. It believed it was my gift. I figured I was just one of those people who felt grateful every day for what the world gave me. I was an Oprah poster child. After all, I was the woman with the dog, nice house, great job, loving husband, and the two most beautiful children in the world. I forgot how hard I worked to bring the kids into this world. I forgot about the fight to make sure I had this experience. I forgot how much I changed and how much I lost myself in my marriage. But, that’s how my mind works, I quickly seem to forget (maybe ignore) disrespect, disregard, and cruelty. I forget history and I hope and I wish. I now understand the downfalls of wishing for the sake of wishing. I am also immensely aware of the importance of putting in the hard work to get to where you want to go. I ignored the need for direction and passion outside of the marriage.

I firmly held the simply thought that love begets love. So, I set out to love unabashedly and endlessly. I always said that it was my superpower. I was Super Love Girl or maybe I would have called myself Power Love Girl. It was my branding. I wore it everywhere I went. I advertised it and invested a tremendous amount of energy doing PR to promote my LOVE image. It sounds perfectly reasonable in theory. Actually it’s sounds perfectly geeky and incredibly funny. As I write these words I think, “so, what’s the problem?” I always thought I loved that about myself. I had full faith in love alone. It wasn’t real, I see that now. It was naive and immature. It was the branding of a teenager. It was the sales pitch of a kid. Deep down inside, I knew when I was selling my soul down the river. I felt bad when my integrity was on the floor but I swore it was acceptable because after all I had Love to dish out and spread to the poor little uncared for world. My God that takes some real arrogance! But there I was.

My incredibly real and loving family (BFF included) all gave me subtle and radical warnings of my ways but I refused to listen. “Hey shut up truth sayers, I’m in LOVE here.” Yup that was me. That was the type of sales pitch I could swing back in my impulsive replies. I could battle my love talk with the best of them. I was fervent in my pursuit of love utopia.

Now, I put in the hard work. It means caring for me. Great! Now where do I start????

Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: break up, Break Ups, Breakups, Children, Divorce, end of a marriage, Essentially Flawed, Family, Fiction, Life, Love, New Beginnings, Self Reflection, Short Stories, Story Telling, Survival, Surviving Divorce
Categories : Looking Forward, Self Reflection

Divorce and the Essentially Flawed

9 05 2013

Maybe you can enlighten me by telling me what vow I broke. Instead of alluding to things have the decency to tell me out right. It’s the least I deserve. I am honoring you with the same degree of respect. From now on I speak my mind. No more trying to make you happy by standing back and holding my tongue. Look where that got us? I’m sorry I wasn’t honest enough to you or myself but I didn’t realize how hard I tried to make you happy and feel loved. You’ll always know what I think from now on. I may not sound nice right now but at least I’m honest and you know what? Regardless of what you or I say, I’ll still be here. I’ll always be here because I’ll never leave the kids no matter how horrible this experience is. In fact the irony is that I’ll be here until the end, despite your expertise at cruelty and disregard. How ironic is that?

For over a year now everything has been about you, your health and your well being, your need for silence, your need for this, your need for that. I am here and I EXIST and I have needs, feelings, etc. I was married to YOU and I tried as hard as I could to be a good wife, friend and partner but you repaid me by breaking up with me over night and not directly. You cheated on me and then ran away. And, now ask me to not say anything REAL! You just want me to be nice. Nice to the man who treated me like crap??? Really? You do understand that I am a person? I am a real person with emotions, a heart and a mind? I can hear you crying about how you are only human. I get that and I don’t ask for kindness at this point. I just ask that you be real and honest and that’s it! Don’t allude and don’t threaten me with more cruelty or disregard. That said, I am not perfect and I certainly have my responsibility in the problems with the marriage. I don’t blame the problems with the marriage on you but I do blame you for throwing everything away and then not allowing me a voice. I have a voice and am a person who deserves respect.

Let’s get the agreement done! Write up this new version. If I need to make changes I can make them when I see a draft.

The kids deserve real parents who aren’t afraid of the truth. It’s a cruel thing to ask someone to not be “real” with them. I deserve closure in some way, shape, or form. This is all an attempt to heal myself. Most people give each other the decency to face each other but that’s not what was allowed. The kids deserve parents who get that people are all essentially flawed. They need to know that their parents don’t blame anyone for their actions or their decisions. We can co-parent but only if we can agree about speaking honestly and openly even if what we have to say isn’t pretty. This will be hard for both of us. You are no better at speaking and saying your truth. We have to learn to be authentic, not for each other but for the sake of the kids.

Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: Authentic Self, breaking up, Divorce, Essentially Flawed, Honoroing Yourself, learning to have a voice, Separation, speaking the truth
Categories : Divorce Agreement, Emails, Uncategorized

Divorce: An Anniversary of a Certain Kind

11 04 2013

It’s been a year now. Part of me thinks whew I survived, and the other part of me worries whether I’ve learned enough to begin again. Obviously I hope for the later. Great turmoil and pain bring about great change. I would hate to waste this experience. But, if I have learned anything, I am but a work in progress and change is forever!!

A year ago I began living alone with the kids. It was a change that came from one day to another. One weekend we were celebrating our anniversary and the following Monday he was with another woman. It was a lot to take but today is the last time I mention the tragedy of it all, at least as it relates to my life and my future. I was terrified, alone, desperate to figure out what I would do to survive. In fact, at one point, I felt the pain was so deep that surely I wouldn’t survive. I knew you couldn’t die from heart ache and yet, when you are in the throes of the worst pain, you think you just might. For those of you who have been through the storm, you know what I’m talking about. For those of you who have never felt your heart, mind and soul hurt from the core, this may all sound a little dramatic. I really wish I was simply being dramatic but the pain was physical and emotional. It was almost tangible! It’s taken me a lot to get here and now I look forward to what I can accomplish on my own and I can only imagine who I will become as I learn to love me again.

As I look back I feel that in some way I am fortunate. I lived a life of passion, love and joy for the most part. I have few regrets. We created two beautiful children and as I have said before, they are the greatest gift of love I could have ever given anyone. I said I love you when I meant it and I played when I could. I was vulnerable and full of faith. I loved without limit and without boundaries. This may sound strange but I think my only regret now is that I slept with the enemy. It’s not so much that he is my enemy but rather that he says he didn’t love me for a long time and yet we slept together day in, day out. How do you sleep and make love to someone you hate? I don’t think this will ever be clear enough to me but it is another thing I will have to lay to rest as time goes by. He said recently that the more I loved him the more he came to hate me. I wish I would have known or at least I wish I had been open to that possibility. I look back now and wonder how long did he sleep with me, while he hated me. It’s a bit of a torment for me now to think that we kissed and slept together while he had nothing but disdain for me. I know in time I will forgive this process too. I use to say that I would never forgive him for the silence of this last year but I am slowly letting that rest. To go from speaking to someone you love on a daily basis to having nothing but silence was a difficult transition but I survived his silence and now I am finding my voice through that silence. No one expects to live with someone only to have them turn on you from one day to another but there are a few of us who have been there and learned from the process. I want to be able to say that I am the better for it but I am not there yet. I can however see the light ahead. That is not to say that I am creating a fantasy about my future. I want to face the fear as I move forward and I want the kids to learn the reality and beauty of life.

As the year of separation comes to an end I look back on what I did accomplish. I wrote up a civil divorce agreement that now only requires a small tweak. It turns out I was able to think of almost everything except for the fact that that he wouldn’t want to share the profit of the sale of the house with the kids. He wants it to be 50/50 as opposed to the original proposal that the house profits be divided 40/40 to the kids as college funds and 10/10 for he and I. But, that’s all that’s left to iron out. I emptied out a house and rented it all on my own. I found the kids their mom. The depression was taking over but single parents don’t have that luxury. As a single parent you have to drag yourself up every morning and make the day worthy of your children. My four year olds deserved a mom and I was determined to give them a mom that would be able to protect them and give them a loving, caring home. They are five now and almost done with their first year of school. I created a community for them and hopefully they don’t miss the absence of their father at school. He never participated in any school event but really they accept that. I had trouble accepting it but now it is normal. I have good friends and an incredible family who makes sure that the kids know they have a “team” behind them! I started a support group, a blog and I renovated my life.

Then there is dating. Oh my God, could there be dating in my future?? My mom made me promise a year dedicated to respecting what I had. I have completed that now but can only site two occasions where dates were offered. That is not the essence of a robust love life. The funny thing is that at moments I think, woohoo, dating here I come and the other times I think, really dating at my age, with two kids? Who, why, where???? Oy!!!

Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags: Dating, Dealing with Divorce, Divorce, pain and separation, Separation, Single mom, Single Parents, Surviving Divorce, Turmoil and change
Categories : Dealing with the Pain, Looking Forward

We Don’t Have a Dad?

19 03 2013

I stayed home all day with two sick kids. Seeing them sick is horrible but I’m really lucky I get this time with them. Every day they teach me something new. Today they taught me how complex and sophisticated the minds are of 5 year olds. They declare today that they don’t have a dad. They have said it a few times before but the frequency and conviction of the statement is starting to set in to our realities, after all we are coming up to a year since he left. These declarations of being children without a father, is the main reason I arranged for therapy for them. I just don’t know how to respond. I know I need help here. My knee jerk response is not something that would be healthy for a child to hear so I remain silent. I didn’t have a father because he died when I was 5. So, I created a horrible fantasy about his qualities, his love for me and everything else a child expects from their father (yes, I’m in therapy too). The catch is that when you don’t have a father the fantasy becomes unearthly, impeccable and untestable, not essentially flawed at all like the rest of us. The kids have a real father in the sense he is alive and sees them once a week. I don’t want them creating a fantasy about who their father is. He is who he is just like I am who I am essentially flawed and all. Recently he has asked for more time. He has requested a weekend a month. It killed me to say yes to the first weekend but I have no right to take their father away as much as it kills me. He has a right to create his own relationship regardless of my opinions. So this essentially flawed ex decided to SUCK IT UP!!

But, where does this concept of not having a father come from? I have started asking them what it means. They say simply it means “we don’t have a dad.” OK? I am working every day to not feed them my baggage laden information but that leads to my silence regarding their father. Could I be feeding the fire? Or, is this his doing? You see divorce is one of those experiences that makes you question everything you say and do, not to mention what THEY say and do. It’s no walk in the park for sure. At the beginning He (the ex) called them during the week but that ended about 6 months ago. Now he only sees them during his weekly visits so they don’t hear from him all week. They also don’t have a dad who attends school functions or does social events with the kids so maybe this has something to do with it, but I dare not say anything. So, again, I step lightly and wait to see if they bring it up again. They do and I try again. He doesn’t live with us they respond. I think, OK, that’s not too hard to address. So, I explain that he just lives in another place. They say yes and they like visiting him and they really appreciate that he has begun cooking for them but it isn’t always yummy. I remind them that mommy’s food isn’t always a hit around the table but they say that they LOVE when I cook for them. I should remind you that they are 5 and very articulate for their age but let’s face facts they know something is very different from all of the other families at school but they can’t explain what they mean by “we don’t have a dad.” Maybe my job is just to hear them out and be there for them when they need me. Could this be one of those issues that I can’t solve and maybe, just maybe, is not a big deal in the long run?

Comments : Leave a Comment »

Categories : The Children

Divorce: A Blink Away From Real Sleep

8 03 2013

I finally fell asleep for a moment. It was more like a momentary blink but at least it was respite. There was a moment I broke and allowed myself to feel the exhaustion. I felt my eyes couldn’t stay open for another second. I gave in and before I knew it my eyes shut and my mind slowed. Things changed in that instant. Everything evolved. The sand storm settled, but in the hot, calm sand a black flapping fish out of its element stared aimlessly into the sky. It flaps back and forth desperate for water. Its desperation locks the fish in aimless perpetual motion. I know my desperation for sleep and clarity has kept me in isolated, aimless motion as well. The storm is gone now but half a woman lies at my doorstep. Now I worry about how I am going to carry her away from the sand. Heaven forbid I settle for peace. No, the battle has created an unwilling warrior. A warrior so tired and ill equipped. And yet, fighting for space and gasping for air is just another second in time for me. Like the fish, I now find myself flapping back and forth as I realize that real movement is gone. The psychological is now a physical repercussion of time. The shock of the events of this year, lend themselves to the breaking of the soul and mind. I know that the flapping will not land the fish in water just as I know the flapping won’t lend me air, sleep or clarity. Yet, flapping is all I do. I continue senselessly flapping filling my lungs with the hot, dry sand and I keep staring at the black fish in front of me. There is no peripheral vision in this state but it’s the beginning of the end and the end of the beginning.

Ironically at this moment there is also a distant sense of peace that comes with submission. Knowing this is it. It’s that moment where you decide that if you are to die of emotional pain so be it. It sounds silly to most but if you have ever felt this type of heartache, those initial moments, weeks, months feel so painful that deep down inside you begin to believe that there is only one way out of the canyon of pain. The pain can kill you and the person who was your council, friend, love is now the cause of all that pain and you can’t reach out and say anything. You can no longer reach for that pill of security or habit. I see all of this played out as if I am watching a movie.

I feel detached in some way at this moment. It’s a relief to feel distance from the emotional amputation. Could this be acceptance? Do I finally accept that I cannot change the circumstances I now find myself in? The answer is obvious but when pain is poured over the body like dark hot tar, the mind acts slow, it retreats to the mental caves and canyons of the mind. The mind is powerful but relentless. We forget how it does everything within its power to protect us. Its innate ability to shield the body and recreate the memory of pain is astounding, complex and exhausting.

I realize now that my movements were acts of emotional violence. Every step I took was to protect the woman I am now. I am a mother and having been left from one day to another with no reason, no conversation, and no communication left me fighting to give my kids a parent. I was fighting on a day to day basis to give my kids some sanity. It was terrifying. It was petrifying but a single parent doesn’t have time to roll up into a ball and stop, so I kept running and running. Today, I stop running and I begin fighting for a new “normal.”

Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: Abandonment, Dealing with Divorce, Dealing with pain, Divorce, Divorce Stress Syndrome, Essentially Flawed, Family, Fiction, Separation, Short Stories, Surviving Divorce
Categories : Dealing with the Pain

From Separation to Divorce: Committing Words to Paper

7 03 2013

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to commit words to paper. I’ve started a few times but somehow, I could never finish anything I wrote and reading my writing about my separation only reinforced my sense of loss. Trying to write was a memory of the pain of divorce that I committed to print over the last 11 months. In fact the other night I wrote 4 paragraphs in an email as I cried myself to sleep (again). When I woke-up in the morning, with my lingering insomniac headache and eye strain, my dedicated thoughts were gone. The email I had sent myself with my torrid thoughts was blank. The draft I retrieved was completely empty. Or, is it me telling myself enough is enough? This process is still a loss that has me questioning the very essence of who I am. Or, maybe I am still lost in my misguided thoughts meant to find my true path. I know there is a path that has my name on it but I am still digging myself out of the rubble. I have allowed myself that journey but as the separation reaches an anniversary I begin thinking about what voice I will chose as my own. Will it be the woman obsessed with divorce, survival, single-parenting, living in self-imposed isolation? Or, will someone amazing emerge from the ruble like in comic books or movies where the heroes appear to die and when all hope is lost, they twitch and slowly bring themselves to their feet. As with all super hero movies once a super hero is on their feet, flight is inevitable. I feel flight in my future but I think I’m still feeling the knockdown happen over and over again. I still envision the ruble rolling over me in a cloud of smoke! Am I finally twitching? I think I might be. I find words in my head growing and a change in tone but when will my new tone develop?

My mind is still filled with doubt, regret and pain. I still catch myself sharing my thoughts, concerns, and even meal plans with Him. It’s typically the trivial aspects of my day that I find myself talking to him in my head or writing him a letter, sharing my pain with Him as I did whenever there was an occurrence over the last 14 years. Worst of all I find myself sharing the daily joys, trials and tribulations of the kids. My obsession with the topic of separation, divorce and the emotional trauma of my typhoon divorce has isolated me. I have not only gone through the emotional amputation of my marriage but through the last 11 months, I also severed ties to all of my friends although that is not as new of a process as I think. My ex-husband didn’t like dinner parties, he didn’t like company. I understand he judged himself harshly and that brought a great deal of weight with it. I regret not being able to dive in and drag him out of his misery. Instead I dove in head first with my heart and mind. Before I knew it, I was head over heels in love with a man who only knew isolation but in all my arrogance, I always said it was different with me. My arrogance and gluttony was so astounding that I uttered things like “I am your greatest confidant.” I also said a few times that I was so lucky that I was “the one he trusted most in the world.” As the years went by I slowly saw my friends less and less. On occasion it was the source of arguments that I didn’t see people as much as I wanted to. How we argued is telling. I would get angry but before I yelled or became emotional he would tell me to not yell at him. He would then shut down in anger and the silent treatment would begin. The rules were made clear early on. His anger was greater than my emotional volcano so as time passed, passive aggressiveness became our home. We lived at chez silence!! The silence grew bigger and bigger. I fought it on occasion but not with anything productive. I poked the bear in subtle ways that obviously were unproductive. Of course I am only giving you my version but it is my truth as I look back and see things with clearer vision.

I no longer as why he left. The replacement for that is why I let us live the way we did and why it still hurts to not have him to love. Why does it hurt so much to hear that he never loved me or that we were essentially flawed? It’s his version and maybe a version meant to ease his decision. I don’t know and I may never know the truth. What I do know is that I have to live and find ME. I must be in here somewhere!!

So now I search for a tone, a voice, a process for living my new normal. I am a single mom but I refuse to live in fear. I can hear a faint voice in the background of my mind, I’m just not sure what she’s saying.

Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: Divorce, Emotional Amputation, Essentially Flawed, Isolation, Separation, Surviving Divorce, Typhoon Divorce
Categories : Dealing with the Pain

Divorce, Glue and Tears

4 02 2013

My sweetheart, this is not sweet. This is the bitter lemon you pour over a gash. Should I thank you too for the salt on the wound? Is it still you hurting me to keep from beating me? Is your indifference that easy? You might not know that I still cry at night. The reasons for my tears are not of one cause. In fact, they vary from night to night. Tonight is no different! Just so you know tonight I cry because of glue. In fact, running out of glue tore me apart. The kid’s homework is due tomorrow. I had everything ready for when they came home from a weekend at Daddy’s. It was my mommy treat to do homework with them. That’s who I am. My Sunday nights no longer mean dressing up and dating my husband. They no longer mean nice meals and good conversation. No longer do I have wine with dinner. No one here in this small apartment to make cocktails for. The kids come home and we get to their project. Then it happens. You can’t glue M&M’s on to poster paper with a glue stick. So…. I get the kids out of their pajamas and back into clothes to run out for glue. They complain, after all they are very tired from their weekend stay. They get dressed, wet hair and all, then off we go. Everyone tired and eager to get back we chose a store with easy access in and out. Mission accomplished! Their projects turn out fabulous.

I cry because I know why you can’t bother to acknowledge my message and the glue reminds me that I am alone with the kids. I cry because I wish I knew the formula for emotional glue. I cry because my habit and need to share anything with you is sometimes still a lot to bear. It still hurts to have fallen from your thoughts. I know in my heart and mind that what should hurt more is my own betrayal. I betray myself every time I let myself miss you. I know it on every level and yet my heart, mind and soul miss the feeling of knowing where I belong. It is bad enough that you treat me this way, but treating myself with the same disgrace is unforgivable and yet it continues to eat at me, day after day. My own sense of loyalty betrays me and feeds my disdain.

Things should be turning and yet I find myself dipping into an emotional abyss. I find myself paying further tribute to my emotional amputation. The glue created the poster and the pictures I sent you. And, I chose to suffer over your silence.