I know, I know, what could be funny about a life changing event like divorce. Frankly nothing is good about divorce initially but that’s ok. You need to be at one with the pain of this life altering event. But when the dust settles, humor can become your best friend. Look, I’m not funny. I never have been except by default. I never really could pinpoint why people were (are) laughing. I can say that some of my happiest moments have been at moments when I could really laugh at myself and with others. Those are the moments that are filled with confidence because you are one with your crazy! Let me explain. As I watched, Last Comic Standing last night thhis humor concept made sense. The value of humor is insurmountable. As I watched Aida Rodriguez, the idea crystalized! She talked about “owning your crazy.” That has been something my sister has always said. And by the way, my sister is very funny too! She is a high dose of real and pointed humor! So there it is folks, humor and owning your crazy!
Moments of humor have been fleeting because frankly over the last few years I have been in love (apparently) with feeling repressed. I can actually tell you the moment I chose to repress myself. Maybe I had done it in spurts before but the moment I decided that repression would be my way of life is very clear to me. Do I blame anyone for that? No! We make choices all the time and we have to face what we decide. We have to MAN UP to what happened in our lives and to those moments that we decided that a compromise is worth losing ourselves. Or rather, since I am owning this, I should say the moment we sell ourselves down the river. For many years I thought the trade-off was worth it. I convinced myself that having Him there was worth any trade-off. I recall the very moment, the event that I decided that compromising my social life and “being” was worth the man who stood in front of me. Maybe the lure of true love was more than the love for who I was or what I was. I am still exploring that. But, I recall the birthday party, the event, the dinner and my best friends around me. I recall my family attending this dinner as I come from one of those families that shares friends, shares love, shares reality, argues points to death but always is there when it counts. This party was planned for one of my best friends at the time. I met all of my friends there, including Him. As usual, we had fun, laughed, talked, danced, etc. But I recall looking across at the table as I danced with my friends. He sat there near my mom at the table looking at me and there it was. I looked back and my heart and soul, sold me, MARJIE down the river! I walked over, sat with him and my mom and there it began. I felt it all. He said nothing but I knew (and later discussed) the spiritual contract we were about to sign. By 10:30 he said, let’s go and I said no. In some way my subconscious knew what she was doing. He left and I stayed with my family and friends. I felt proud like I knew I was fighting for me, but in reality I was letting go of me. Later that night it was laid out for me in a phone conversation. During that evening he said so many flattering things . He said those things that everyone wants to hear but you know come at a hefty price. He told me how sexy I was. I was the kind of woman he had always wanted. He never thought he would find me…yada yada yada. That night he told me all those things that a girl longs to hear. But that night on the phone, he explained how hard it was for him that I would ask him to stay at something he just didn’t like. He liked me but not everything else that was happening around me. He explained that night in a long phone call dedicated to whether or not we were moving forward, how it was too much for him. I defended my stance for most of the conversation. These were my best friends and my family. We didn’t attend birthday parties everyday and frankly I love birthday parties. YES PEOPLE I LOVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY PARTY. There I said it! I was able to tell him. I declared who I was and I explained how I would not compromise for anyone. But, I thought this was true love (true love, another post for another time). As time went on, I did what I thought I had to do to protect something I thought was worth everything in the world. We dated for 4 years, married and as time kept passing, I slowly let my friends go. I let social events pass me by. He refused to come and I stopped trying until at some point, I attended my family’s events by myself with my kids and that of course led to the social separation. That went on for a few years. But while we began separating socially our personal life seemed to only get stronger (or so I thought). In the last year, we were intimate 3-4 sometimes 5-7 days a week. We had long talks about life in general every night. I knew I loved him but there was something that was killing my consciousness. I was letting go of everyone and while I would argue the point here and there, I never really assessed what was happening. I was living and life was happening but I never judged him or the relationship. I always concluded that he was worth it. The more he pulled back, the more I accepted it.
Then after 10 years of marriage he leaves with another woman, another life and I know nothing of him except for those fleeting moments he picks up the kids and the emails that constantly accuse me of stalling, and of course all the threats of attorneys, of money, etc. You guys know the drill. Now that the dust has finally settled in my mind and psychology, I realize I let everyone go. I have to learn to be social again. An ability that seems overwhelming along with becoming a single mom. How the hell am I going to do this? It’s daunting!
I am those things that I let go. After he left, I shut myself in. I couldn’t face my friends. I couldn’t constantly try to tell people why he left when I never had the details of anything that happened in those final days except for the fact that there was another woman. And, after speaking every day for 14 years, there was nothing but silence! The pain of this reality is more than I thought I could bear. But bear it I have and now I am finding so much beauty, love and best of all I am discovering the beauty of humor!
Where is the humor in all of this? It’s in you when you are ready! You make that choice. I want to find humor because I have two incredible kids! They fill me daily with joy and there is SO much humor to be had. It’s up to me to find it and teach them how valuable it is to learn to laugh and how important it is to have humor. It’s even more important to be able to laugh at yourself. We people are humorous beings. Our bodies make noises, we smell some times, we drip ice cream on our clothes and sometimes we step in poop. Yup laugh we should! I recall a friend I had in high school. He was a friend who taught me what “cracking up” is all about. We took a geometry class together and I can honestly say that there was never a day in that class that I didn’t cry. Yup! Not tears of pain or hurt. It was pure, unadulterated laughter. The kind that hurts your sides and hurts your belly in the best way possible. If I could find him I would hug him and say THANK YOU! I can’t recall what we laughed about or why but boy did we laugh and laugh and laugh. For 10 weeks we laughed every Tuesday and Thursday evening for 3 hours. When the class took a break, we refused to break from what was our addiction. We laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m lucky, my brother is funny, my sister is funny and my best friend is one of the funniest people I have ever known! All my best friends make me laugh. So today I honor laughter and humor! If you are past the hard part of the first few days or months of a divorce, for today put it aside and remember and honor all of those people and moments that you laughed like you were a kid! Here is to you and finding your humor and voice again! We are all essentially flawed and that can e a funny thing!