I realize that my blog has not been one of enlightenment, advice or spiritual pursuits. At least, it was never my focus or my intention. I am completely ok with that. It was never the impetus for my writing here. When I started this blog I was just desperate to survive and in a way I was replacing that ear that I had had every night for 14 years. Despite it all, every night we talked, I told him about the kids and I, we talked about his work, his career, the people in his life and that usually ended with what I thought was a deep emotional sharing or bond, if you will. I say, I thought, because today, at this moment, I still don’t know what it was and as time goes by what it was becomes less important. Where I am today and my ability to be a mother becomes more and more important. The drive to be a good parent has been my complete all-consuming pursuit. I have been pushing endlessly to be a better mother. But, as I let go of my pain and my past, I realize, there is a ME that needs some focus as well but that too has been a process and slowly it is becoming a focus as well.
So, I pushed myself through what could be labeled as depression. I pushed through the anger and grave disappointment, in me, in Him, in the family I dreamed of. Today I find myself digging deeper into me. I find myself now obsessed with my inner spirituality and enlightenment but still focused on being a better parent. When this entire process started I would remind myself as the stupidity of my inner chatter began, “someone here has to be a parent.” It was a daily struggle. It was a struggle that required me to plead for sanity every second of the day. And as time passed getting through the pain became like surfing. Every now and then the waves of pain were all consuming and took me on rides I never thought possible. Even as I type these words, I feel a small sense of joy for the ability to surf through it. I don’t mean it was easy or pleasurable at the time but as I look back I realize what a gift those waves were because with every wave came questions about how I was parenting, how I would survive and how I could rescue myself and my kids through this. And, today I am a parent of two amazing people who honor me every day by calling me “mommy.” I never thought there could be a bigger, better gift than loving another person who wasn’t born into my family but guess what? For me there is. I don’t regret my marriage or my divorce at this very point. For all the love I gave, I received the gift of motherhood which I still enjoy profoundly and for that as I have always said, I am grateful. I thank him for that honor, whether he wanted to give me the gift or not no longer matters. I must be transitioning to another level, I can’t really say today but I can for the first time in a long time assert that I can feel joy. By feel I don’t just mean in my mind. I can feel it in my heart, my body and my spirit! It’s such a huge change of temperament and I feel grateful for the change. But, I also now understand that change and transformation are normal and natural. It’s not how you fall but how you get up! Right? I could continue my obsession with my depression but today I want to see myself as an entity all unto itself. I no longer want to carry that baggage any longer primarily because I don’t want my kids to inherit that constant. I want them to understand that living is a choice and no one can chose your path for you. While it was His choice to let go and leave with someone else, it is my choice what legacy I want to hand my children and luckily I have lived long enough to make that journey. It’s far from over but I’m looking forward to what will be and more importantly what is right here, right now.
Now, I begin thinking hard about what I want to hand my kids as my legacy. In doing so, I am remembering what it was like to be a friend. I have not been a good friend over the last 2 and a 1/2 years. I was self-absorbed in my pain and my regret and I “let go” of so many friends along the way because I felt so monstrous in my pain. But that monster revealed a person I had liked so much so long ago. It was a person with very good friends and a good perspective on life and humanity. The good news for me is that I can see parts of her in the mirror now although she is not fully clear yet. I can actually see her in my eyes and as I see and hear her in my mind, I can finally begin to look outward. First, I see my family. My family held us, supported us and guided us to recovery. They made sure they were there every minute and at every turn no matter how heavy and burdened I became, they stood beside me. They stood by us and helped us. I can now begin to thank them for all of the love. Now, loving them makes me stronger and it gives me perspective. It’s what I am living right now. As I remember everyday why I love them and how much I admire them, I realize that I haven’t been present in a long time. It has been much longer than just through the divorce. I haven’t been there for them in a very long time. I regret that for a short time and then I realize the kids are young and we still have a lifetime of creating so many family memories and that makes me grow and feel strong. What an “OPPORTUNITY”. What a gift it is to have a family who can forgive me, see me in all my disgrace and still love me. I started with my family and my BFF who no longer seems like a friend but a family member in her own right. And as the Godmother of my kids, which she earns constantly, I am ready to love them all back. I’m excited about all the opportunities to love them, laugh with them, argue with them and fart in their presence. I know that may sound weird but when you haven’t been “real” in a long time, even a fart seems so significant. I tell my kids all the time, “never trust anyone who can’t fart in front of you.” It was such a significant issue in my past that I never want to hide that way again.
So my essentially flawed friends watch out! I have a few love bombs for you!!